So long. . .and enjoy the lox!

Not too long ago, I received a message at my home in Calontir, attached to the tail of a pangolin, from my co-Tyrant of Arms, who it seems has been tapped for a mystical role of some odd importance in some sort of holiday wreath.  It read:

As many of you have no doubt become aware, I, Cormac Mor, Lorem Ipsum Benevolent Dictator of Arms, have been tapped to take on a role of similar importance, but with a much higher level of work and a lot less whimsy. To that end, I must regretfully cede my soft-meat crown and golden vuvuzela sceptre. I leave the College in the capable hands of my co-ruler and dear friend, Konstantia Weeping Angel Tyrant of Arms; long may she reign!

To which, I’d like to respond thusly: Bye Cormac! Don’t let the door hit you . . . I mean, enjoy your time with the big kids!  (really, though, in all fondness, it has been a blast having you as my co-Tyrant.)


Greening things and salvations!

<KER-assssh!>  Oh, crumbs.  There goes my irreplaceable set of heraldic gewgaws.

Sorry for the mess, y’all.  Weeping Angel here, doing a bit of a clean-up!

We’ve updated our archive page of all April 1 letters.  Read them, and weep (from laughter).  You can find it here or at the April 1 Letters header.

We are pleased to say that the letters keep getting better and better, and we would love to see your kingdom put together a letter.  If you’d like help, please feel free to ask around.  We’re there.  In the shadows.  And sometimes not.  Because we need to not get rickets.

Anyhow.  <KER-boom!>

Not my priceless collection of heraldic china from Lesser Malbonia!  Gotta go!

Cabinet and some other sundry things!

Green things and plenty of salivations unto the College of Heralds Imaginary!

It has been a whirlwind of a few months!  Congratulations to Lindemanns on his nuptials!  Congratulations to Hostess Cupcake on the Bird!  And, a huge welcome to our new Imaginarians!  We cannot wait to see what heraldic shenanigans you create!

When Cormac and I became heads of the CoHI, we announced that we were taking applicants for positions on our staff.  Our cabinet, if you will.

Governor of General Mayhem (our assistant)
Admiral of April 1st Letters
Mogul of Money
Rector of Recruitment
Ruler of Regalia
Consul of Ceremony
Functionary of Flash Mobs
Prelate of Puppet Theatre
Keeper downer of the unwashed masses

Today, we would like to name Short Stack as our Rector of Recruitment.  We would also like to name Potent Chief as the Admiral of April 1st Letters.  If you are interested in a position on our cabinet, please contact the Benevolent Dictator and myself.

Thank you, and congratudolences to both Short Stack and Potent Chief!

July Letter of Administrivia and Rumination

Summer swelters and in the air-conditioned shelters!  We bring you the July Letter of Administrivia and Rumination!

As you all may know, Marie Ermine Stag Tyrant of Arms has been overthrown stepped down from her long service.  We would like to thank her for her time as Tyrant, and hope that her new experiences with her new little herald will be full of many adventures.

Speaking of us, we would like to take this opportunity to introduce ourselves.

From the Kingdom of Calontir is Konstantia Kaloethina, Purple Falcon Herald and Weeping Angel Tyrant of Arms.  She likes writing filks, long walks on rocky beaches, and creating mass heraldic mayhem.

From the Kingdom of Caid is Cormac Mór, Crescent Principal Herald and Lorem Ipsum Benevolent Dictator of Arms.  He enjoys inflicting new heraldic charges on unsuspecting clients, waking up fighters nursing hangovers, and playing on the radio at Watch Point.

We’d like to welcome the latest Imaginators to the College Imaginary!  Snorri Hallsson joins as Fish ‘n Chips.  Gróa Úlfsdottir joins as Caffeinated Three-Toed Sloth.  Taran the Wayward joins as Huge Goblet.  Angharat Goch verch Gwenhover joins as Saucy Dish.  D’vorah bint Da’ud joins as Baalebustah.  Cainder ingen hui Chatharnaig joins as White Bacon.  Margaret Makafee joins as Ermine Vermin.

We would also like to note a couple of title changes.  Giata Alberti has changed her title from Combattant Chequy Unicorn to Fleurty, and relinquishes her previous title.  Andrewe Bawldwyn has relinquished Agave for Lindemanns.

Weeping Angel has just returned from her progress across North America, where she paid a visit to The Codfather, in the furthest Eastern reaches of the Crown Principality of Tir Mara.  There, a photo was taken of the rogue herald.  Who apparently comes with his own label.  (Weeping Angel would like to make demands herself of such a label, but alas, she does not live where The Codfather lives.)

The Codfather

In closing, we would like you all to begin contemplations for the April 1st Letter of Imagination …. it’s only seven months away, and while Potent Chief has been busy with the IGI (over 200 names!), we definitely would love to see more armoury.

Until next time –

Konstantia Weeping Angel Tyrant of Arms and Cormac Benevolent Dictator of Arms

Songs for the Laurel Principal of Arms

Written by Soylent Vert, these two filks honor (we think?) the highest heraldic officer in the Society – Laurel Sovereign of Arms.  Laurel Queen was sung at KWHSS 2011 in Atlantia.

Sing these to your favorite Laurel Sovereign soon!

Laurel King, to the tune of Wild Thing, by the Troggs.

Laurel King you make my cant sing
You blazon everything groovy, Laurel King

Laurel King, I think I love you
But I want a byname for sure
Come on, show me titles, I love you

Laurel King you make my heart sing
You make submitting groovy, Laurel King

Laurel King, I think you move me
But I want some charges for sure
So come on and show me semy, you move me

Laurel King you make my cant sing
You blazon everything groovy, Laurel King
Oh come on, come on Laurel King
Draft it, check it Laurel King

And Laurel Queen, to the tune of Queen’s Killer Queen.

She keeps her Crayola markers
in a pretty cabinet
No tincture on tincture
Or she’ll throw you in an oubliette
Like Garter, she’s Sovereign
Well-versed in herald’s jargon
Ermine and semy
she can define

Blazons and epithets
Counties and baronets
Sub-ordinaries in a trice

She’s the Laurel Queen
Trumpets and Vert are seen
Dynamite with a name, you see
Guaranteed with heraldry

Check out that new device
Showing heraldic might
You should try!

To avoid complications
She always acts with some noblesse
In conversations
She always knows Bar from Fess
External, Internal
Those Letters infernal
She meets those deadlines
All the time

The terms came naturally from Paris
for French is the form, yes
Fastidious and precise


Drop of a hat she’s as willing as
Helpful as a Pelican
Got a moniker we should check on
Fantastic beasts drawn on escutcheons
All for pomp and ceremony! (mony!)


Check out that new device
Showing heraldic might
You should try!
Really should try!

EDIT: Late breaking addition, from the desk of Potent Chief and Pureed Smurf, to the tune of House of the Rising Sun, made famous by The Animals.

House of Kjotvason

There is a house in Lonely Tower
It’s owned by Kjotvason
And it’s been the ruin of many a poor boy
And God, I know, I’m one.

My mother was a tailor
Sewed my new blue braes
My father was a voice herald
In Meridies

The major thing a herald needs
Some forms and a library
The only time that he’s satisfied
Is when his clients squee

Heralds, tell your clients
Not to do what I have done
Spend three bucks in sin and misery
In the House of Kjotvason

Well, I got a bid in to the BOD
I’m getting on a plane
I’m goin’ to Known World Heraldic
To wear that ball and chain

There is a house in Lonely Tower
It’s owned by Kjotvason
And it’s been the ruin of many a poor boy
And God, I know, I’m one.

As seen in the Heralds Office waiting room

Ask your herald if Cants are right for you

Compendium posited on the Heralds Imaginary Group on Facebook (and then later crossposted to G+) the other day “Let’s pretend that an heraldic consultation table is like a doctor’s office. What would be the pamphlets and brochures available in the waiting room?”

Keep an eye out for these at heraldic consultation tables near you:

  • Have you talked with your children… about Labels?
  • 10 common misperceptions about Deep And Personal Meaning
  • That’s Not Tenne: Exploring Heraldic Addictions
  • How To Avoid Making Your Herald Cry: 10 Easy Steps
  • Life After Rayonny
  • Emergency Steps to Take if You Experience a Blazoned Pizzle for More Than Four Hours
  • Complexity Count: Eight Warning Signs
  • Ask your herald if an Individually Attested Pattern is right for you!
  • Semy? We can cure that for you!
  • Canting, A Rubric for the Rebus
  • Is it true love? How to know if this device is the one for you
  • Pean Management Techniques
  • 102 strategies for a SFPP-free device
  • Mommy, what’s a pizzle?: Heraldic education for kids
  • Sinking your Teeth into Denticulada
  • Résumé Heraldry. It doesn’t just hurt you. It hurts everyone.
  • Practice Safe Blazon!
  • Suffering from Fleury? New drugs may help you Counter-Fleury
  • A little Pale? Talk to us and we can billet!
  • Feeling a little azure? Ask your herald about ermine. See if it’s right for you!

…. and on the TV would be a continuous loop broadcast of ‘All My Persona Stories’.

April Letter of Administrivia and Rumination

Spring is here, a-suh-puh-ring is here! Life is skittles and life is beer …

Clambering out of the hibernation of winter, it is once more, with feeling … the April Letter of Administrivia and Rumination.

Firstly, I’d like to welcome the latest Imaginators to the College Imaginary! It’s been a few months, so my apologies if I miss any of you.  Reis Tuder joins us as Filthy Chai.  Alana O’Keeve joins us as Whipped Cream Vodka.  Joscelin le esqurel joins us as Party Cannon.  Creatura Christi of Oakes (called Creature) joins us as Imaginary.  Magdalena Lucia Ramberti joins us as Lurker.  Barcsi Janos joins us as Exalted Goober.  AElfwynn Leoflaede dohtor joins us as Ich Verdien.  Saito Takauji joins us as Samurabbi, leading Nikolaos Demetriou to join us as Horrified Pelican.  Ildaria de Zaragozza joins us as White on Rice.  Giata Alberti joins us as Combattant Chequy Unicorn. Rowen Cloteworthy joins us as Majestic Unicorn. Díarmaid Ó Bríain joins us as the Codfather. Mary Dedwydd verch Gwallter joins us as Kamikaze. Yehuda ben Moshe joins us as Matzoh Brei Omelet. Woot! Woot!

Secondly, congratulations go out to a number of Imaginators.  To Hello Kitty on becoming a Princess.  To Cherry and Spanish Fly on their engagement.  To Raisnable Pacïence and Rum ‘n Raisin for joining the Order of the Bloody Bird.  To Ermine Oreo for successfully completing her reign as a Queen and becoming Embattled. To Anzac Biscuit for being made Excellent.  Woot!  Woot!

Thirdly, I would like to thank the following Imaginators, who contributed to our voluminous April 1st Letter of Imagination this year: Fieldless, Bend Butcher, Baklava, Butterscotch Crampet, Taisez-Vous, Au Jus, Give Me The Money, Jaegerschnitzel, Iguanodon, Double Hops and Barley, Compendium, Party Cannon, Soylent Vert, Grumpy Bear, Chocolate Truffle, and this year’s winner of the Stupid Tricks With The IGI prize: Potent Chief.  The opening and closing verses for this Letter of Imagination are brought to you by The Codfather (opening) and Soylent Vert (closing).  You all rock my small, self-centered universe.

Fourthly, I am still looking for links to April 1st Letters that are not in OSCAR, so that I can add them to this site. If you know of any, send them along or leave a link in the comments!

Lastly, plans are underway for a Heralds Imaginary social at KHWSS on Saturday evening.  I encourage you all to come hang out and meet your fellow Imaginators.  More details to follow.

Ermine Stag Tyrant of Arms

The Herald Principal’s Song

For the occasion of Master Cormac’s vigil

Lady Angharat Goch verch Gwenhover wrote and performed (from memory, at speed!) this fabulous filk of The Major-General’s Song.  Reprinted here with her permission.

The Herald Principal’s Song

written and performed by Angharat Goch verch Gwenhover
(to the tune of The Major-General’s Song by Gilbert & Sullivan)

I am the very model of a Crescent Herald, principal,
I know of every charge be it a vegetable or mineral,
Every variety of living beast or monster mythical,
Symbolic representatives of bodies astronomical.
I know the proper ratios of all shapes geometrical,
Field divisions, horizontal, vertical, diagonal,
Lines of division, be they complicated or quite minimal,
Correct heraldic form of every emblazon imag’nible!
Correct heraldic form of every emblazon imag’nible! x4

I know my tinctures, too, of course, my metals and my furs as well,
I know which pairings work and which are just unregisterable,
In short in matters badge related, or devices personal,
I am the very model of a Crescent Herald, principal!
In short in matters badge related, or devices personal,
He is the very model of a Crescent Herald, principal!

I’m up on all the latest finds and all the extant treatises,
I’ve read the new rules seven times and all of the appendices,
I’ve memorized whole sections and can quote with regularity,
Each precedent dating back to Anno Societatus III,
I’m familiar with the naming patterns of the folk of Brittany,
The Welsh, the Huns, the Swedes, the Danes, the Greeks and Turks and Romany,
The Spanish, Polish, Flemish, English, Irish, Scottish, Germans, Franks,
In contexts Gaelic, Gallic, Gothic, Russian, Prussian, Persian, Manx!
In contexts Gaelic, Gallic, Gothic, Russian, Prussian, Persian, Manx! x4

I’m just as good with household names and names for territories new,
The nomenclature nicely crafted for your newly minted group,
In short in matters name related, be they group or personal,
I am the very model of a Crescent Herald, principal!
In short in matters name related, be they group or personal,
He is the very model of a Crescent Herald, principal!

In short I’m quite impressive with the knowledge in my arsenal,
I am the very model of a Crescent Herald, principal!
In short he’s quite impressive with the knowledge in his arsenal,
He is the very model of a Crescent Herald, principal!

Oh hai! I can haz scroll textz?

Because I Can

Once upon a time, someone mentioned to me the idea of writing a scroll text in LOLCAT.

They might have been giving me some samples of text they were suggesting using.

I might have made some suggestions.

They might have been used with minor changes.

My God What Have I Done

Here follows the final text:

o hai. Heer now wordz of [Baron] an [Baroness], baron an baronez of Caer Galen. Singin bird  iz singin swete an powarzful, liek grate artzens of Caer Galen r grate. [Recipient] iz graet artzen. Wez recknizin her mad skilz an admitin her to tha Order of tha Golden Nightingale. Wez done did this [Date]th May minus one month, in tha [Year]th yeer of tha Sociatay, whitch wez knowz as [Year].

I’m hopeful that someday we’ll get a picture of the final piece.

Don’t Try This At Home, Kids

Disclaimer: This scroll was highly nonstandard and was only undertaken with the full approval of the Baron and Baroness.  As a general thing, LOLCAT is not recommended for scrolls.